The Do Re Mi of my Rectum

When my room mate fell quite heavily sick i brought him to see the doctor twice in a week and that whole week he was really unenergetic, lying on the bed as like a terminal disease patient waiting to expire but of course he didn't expire as his illness wasn't terminal. The interesting thing though is the poster that i came across at the clinic.



At first glance it looked as though a children's chart teaching them to read ABC or to identify objects but upon closer examination it turned out to be a poster of the manure hardness scale so i took a picture of it so that i could blog about it someday and that day wasn't that far off apparently as i suffered from a stomach wrenching pain early last friday morning woke me up from bed at around 7 am in the morning despite the fact that i have only started sleeping at 5 am. It felt as though my intestines were about to rupture as it tries to force bowel movement with some violent peristalsis that seem to just increase the internal pressure of my intestines.

I made haste to the toilet where I tried hard to empty my bowels to no avail. Apparently i had some low fiber meal some time ago and the solid low fiber content shit caused a traffic back lock where the higher fiber content shit had difficulty moving forward. This traffic back lock has caused me to become shitless (as in restless but this applies to shitting) for the whole 5 days that i have been here in USM. In the ever intensifying pain, I tried to push hard in an attempt to get the slow moving shit to travel faster but after squatting there for more than 15 minutes only a few marble sized pieces of shit got out. The pain subsided a little but a new pain has already manifested.

My knees are just aching from squatting so i washed my butt hole with the but hole washing pipe and limped back to the comfort of my bed to resume sleepy... for a while before the next wave of pain arrives.

After 15 minutes of nursing my aching kneed and back, the painful feeling as my rectum pressurizes itself starts again hence making me rush to the toilet again to open my rectum overpressure release valve. This time i noticed a reduction in shit hardness and a perceivable overall increase in shitability of the shit. This endless cycle continued until i finally got to shit hardness number 5 (refer figure 1 above) which was the easy part as all the shit started flowing and the hardness subsided from 5 to 6. After that my woes are solved and i washed up and went back to bed at 12 pm after more than 4 hours of toilet patrol.

Observing my shit hardness gradually reduce per dumping session, i guess my stomach really was kinda doing a vocal test like in an ochestra where the singers start with the low notes first and gradually progress to the higher notes like the picture below:




It is a waste though that the 8th note, "To" is not able to fit in the shit hardness index but upon further analysis i believe the missing note from this chart is actually FART. Yes the methane rich stinking gaseous form of excrement evolved from feces. So when you take a dump some time soon you can see your rectum singing in perfect harmony with the toilet bowl as it releases different notes and pitches in tandem with your fiber and water intake that corresponds to it. Kinda think of it, its also like the ice samples drilled from the polar ice caps that tells scientists the situation of the earth, tens of thousands of years ago just that this happens in time scale of a few days.